May. 30th, 2004
05:38 pm - Don Corleone, the Hood
Leader of the Hyatt underground, this fearless criminal is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. The Hood has been known to remodel train stations on his lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. He translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, he writes award-winning operas and manages time efficiently. Occasionally, the Don treads water for three days in a row.
He woos women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing, he can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and he cooks Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. He is an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Don once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. He plays bluegrass cello, he was scouted by the Mets, he is the subject of numerous documentaries. When he's bored, he builds large suspension bridges in my yard. Don enjoys urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, he repairs electrical appliances free of charge.
He is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear. He don't perspire. He is a private citizen, yet he receives fan mail. The Hood have been caller number nine and has won the weekend passes. Last summer he toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. He bats .400. His deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust Don Corleone Hood.
He can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed several covert operations for the CIA. Don sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, he successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to Don Corleone Hood.
He balances, he weaves, he dodges, he frolics, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, Hood participates in full-contact origami. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. He has made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. He breeds prizewinning clams. He has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. He has played Hamlet, he has performed open-heart surgery, and he has spoken with Elvis.
Extremely dangerous when bored - BEWARE of the HOOD!!!
12:12 am - Granted
Thought for the day:
Take nothing for granted - Communicate, communicate, communicate. Do what is expected of you plus 25% and you'll always be moving forward. Hold yourself to higher standards than anyone else would hold you to and you'll always be on the high road, let alone choose to take it.
May. 29th, 2004
12:28 pm - Birthday May 28th
Another one down - I am 40 minus 4 and feeling as young as ever. Mrs. Web got me a super cool iPod mini, I took a couple of spins on Kraken at Sea World and ate at Tchoup Chop. Spoiled rotten, I am!!
One thing I noticed yesterday while at Sea World yesterday (if I may stray off topic) is that the Low Carb Craze sweeping the nation from coast to coast - you know, the diet where everone is supposed to substitute Low Carb inventions for Exercise? - IT AIN'T WORKING!!!! That's only good for me. The lines at Kraken keep getting smaller and smaller because the people there keep getting bigger and bigger.
Another off topic observation... As we were sitting in I-Drive traffic, hardly moving in the bumper to bumper parking lot with traffic lights, I thought to myself, "Wow, this economy really sucks - and the price of gas is outrageous!! The thing is, I don't think anyone really gets it yet. Hey, people!!!!! Stop using gas!!!! It's too expensive and the economy sucks!!!!" The only explanation is pure fantasy... that the economy is doing well and gas isn't that expensive after all. I must be on drugs.
After two days off it's time to hit the toilet bowls again... Prince Toilet cleaner!!! (pronounced Twa-LET, thank you)
May. 27th, 2004
02:02 am - Women's underwear
I love the hotel biz. Today, I told a guest that I'd do her laundry for her for free...just to be nice. After doing it, I was sitting there at my desk with a bunch of socks, bras and underwear. It got me thinking... Why the HELL do chicks have so many different types of underwear. I have the same stuff... OK, I get crazy once in a while and change the color. Got some green, some blue, some black. Wooaaah, I'm INSANE!!! Or at least I thought I was. Every pair that I folded (yes, Mrs. Web, FOLDED) was totally different. I decided that there was a pair for every occassion. 1. I'm feeling sexy undies.
2. I'm feeling slutty undies.
3. I'm feeling bloated like a Manatee on helium undies.
4. I feel like crap, period! undies.
5. Stay the hell away from me, whoever you are! undies.
6. Someone might be folding my underwear one day, better throw in a pair of new ones undies.
Yes, I will do anything for the guest.
The freakiest thing was, while folding her children's underwear, I had the strange sensation of feeling like Michael Jackson (without the sick sense of enjoyment, of course).
May. 26th, 2004
01:03 am - Spijker
Our dog is 9 months old today. Getting a dog happened from one day to the next. I floated the idea around to Mrs. Webrunner and within a few weeks we had one! So small and helpless, it was like raising a child (as if I know what THAT'S all about!). He doesn't destroy much. He occasionally fancies electronic chew toys like cell phones and cable wires. He gets very excited when I super steam and extract the carpet with my funky new Eureka Atlantis carpet cleaner. So excited, he puked right in the middle of where I had just cleaned. Perfect puppy timing. One time he was playing on the bed with Mrs. W and I. He was around 2.5 months old and threw up all over the place. Mrs. Web hasn't been the same since. She visits a therapist regularly because of it. She has nightmares of the Night of the Puking Puppy.
Spijker is a Republican. Not many dogs have a political opinion, but our dog does. He believes in working hard and playing hard. He believes in personal doggie responsibility and would have paid for the phone he destroyed if I didn't have insurance on it. He likes chasing lizards and watching Dr. Phil with Mrs. Web. He runs up stairs wonderfully but does not go down stairs well at all. That's ok because that means he has many more ups than downs.
With Spijker, there are no gray areas - it's all black and white.
May. 9th, 2004
01:51 am - Good night
It's not exactly the appropriate time to plan a fishing trip or write a long journal entry. What? You were expecting more? For free??? Good night!